I often find that after an episode of anger or panic, I am met with an overwhelming sense of guilt and dislike towards myself. This overwhelming sense can cripple me for hours or days, maybe even weeks.
This level of emotion is negative, if not more negative than any anger or panic that triggered it.
It is common when someone suffers with BPD to have overwhelming bouts of rage or panic to then be followed with crippling guilty, self-doubt and depression. It’s important to recognise that this is what is happening, so you can lower its length of time as well as how effective it is in changing your ability to function and survive.
I spent the past two days out of work, healing.
I realised on Monday morning I needed a time out. I needed to get past my panic and rage then my following guilt and depression. I needed to reflect, figure it all out and heal within before facing the real world again.
But I am sad that it had to come to this. I wish I was just a functioning adult; that I didn’t have rage or panic, that I didn’t become overwhelmed with depression, sadness and self-hate. I cannot change that this is what I am going through, but I can learn and grow from it.
Just like I did after I ended up in hospital.
I can grow from this.
Learn to differentiate when time out is healthy and when it means you are just avoiding the world and yourself completely.
Take responsibility for your bouts of aggression, take responsibility for the panic attacks, take responsibility for the overwhelming sadness when you cry so hard it causes a headache. Only then, when you stop blaming the world, your loved ones or even yourself and you take responsibility for the fact that these emotions, these events happened – can you then figure why they’re happening and what to do when they do happen again – which they inevitably will.
I feel as though I was trying to get better all at once and not taking things in baby steps.
I was expecting to click my fingers and be OK. A very happy, light, outgoing, confident, spontaneous person – all of the time.
I am these things, but not all of the time. No one can be happy all of the time. That’s a fact of life.
I need to slow my steps down. Not overrun my busy mind with ‘I must be ok I must be ok I must be ok’ because then BAM I’m not ok.
It comes to a point where this has happened many times over, that you may not be able to think or feel straight but you can realise your mind is going 1000 times faster with many thoughts.
Remember what it feels like when you have your initial rage and/or panic then followed with your overwhelming sense of guilt and depression; remember those horrible, negative emotions, remember how they gained no value to your life at the time in which they happened. Remember. Learn. Change.
Remember how much you really do not want to feel those things again, or so soon.
Remember who you are before your emotion.
- Imagine your emotions as waves of air washing over your head, not through it.
- Apologise for when you are angry towards others.
- Keep a log of your triggers and create changes to their effects.
- When you feel anger, sadness, guilt, panic – be silent.
- Do not let people feed you, step away, step back and just shut up with yourself for a minute.
- Think about how bad you feel when you let your emotions consume you. Learn from it.
- Slow down.
- Just slow the fuck down.