This is a very personal post for me, so bare with me and I hope you can gain some insight from it.
After my overdose, many years ago, I had a psychiatric assessment and initially I was informed of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I’d never heard of this and went onto to research all about it. I felt as though I could relate to this, but only on a small level.
When I started therapy, my therapist said that she didn’t think I had BPD and that it was merely Severe Depression and Anxiety; I was ok with this diagnosis – not because I didn’t want to be BPD but because I felt I wasn’t as extreme as other cases.
However over the past 6 months, my frequent mood swings, fear of abandonment, issues with controlling anger, intense emotions lasting days, switching from very confident to very insecure instantly, the length and frequency of my moods and so much more causes me to believe that I do in fact have BPD.
The techniques used for depression and anxiety, depression especially, I feel they aren’t working for me – that’s because I do not feel depressed, like I used to. I change day to day. Sometimes I feel like I am having some kind of outer body experience, I’m looking down on myself being someone I’m not.
I do not wish for my friends or loved ones to define me by who I am on a bad day, because this is not me and I do not like this person. It is like I become someone different in my angry states or my extremely depressive ones. I cannot relate to the person I become. Nor can I control it.
Since talking to the people who are important to me about this, honesty saying I think I have BPD, talking to people who do have BPD and reading about it. I’ve taken a few steps and choices to ensure I do not take it’s wrath out on the people I care about, the main two is ensuring you walk away when you start to see red or feel extreme sadness and carry a book around with me that I write all of my feelings into rather than displaying it everywhere else.
I do not avoid talking about my feelings, I merely objectify them into a book. This is helping relatively, I have minor setbacks. But I think the fact that I am using techniques that people who do suffer with BPD have offered to me, is working, speaks volumes.
BPD is a personality disorder where you attitudes beliefs and behaviors cause you longstanding problems in your life; with the relationship with yourself and with the people whom you love dearly.
When someone does in fact have BPD they may often be mis-diagnosed with something else such as depression and anxiety; although they may also suffer with this too, an underlying issue is BPD.
I do not mean to self-diagnose, but I was initially diagnosed with it and as I go back into getting professional help this is something I will definitely be researching, reading, writing and talking about more.